I Miss You Mom

When I began this blog, I certainly didn't expect that it would be so short. I knew Mom was very ill with Alzheimer's....and it was evident that she was so unhappy at times. She knew that something was not right....that her memory was going....and almost completely gone. At the end of her life, there were very few moments of clarity. Oh, she would remember people....her loved ones....her family....but she just couldn't seem to remember how they all fit together.

All her life, my Mom's family was her life. She loved her brother and sisters, her mother and father, her husband, and her children. And at the end of her life, she didn't stop loving them or asking for them....but she was just confused about just who they were and just how they fit into her life. But she never forgot them...and never stopped loving them.

The last few days of her life she spoke often of her mother....and her daddy. Her mother died when my Mom was 12 years old...yet she asked if I had seen her "mama". She also asked about my sister Merlea....her daughter...who died of cancer in 2000. When she asked where Merlea was, I just told her that Merlea wasn't here right now. She seemed to accept that. So...in some ways...even the memory loss was a bit of a blessing.

I can't sit here and write down what my Mom meant to me....to my life. It's not possible. She was the most influential person in my life. She was the most loving and kind person I have ever known. She loved the Lord, and tried to live a Christian life. Her life was hard, yet you wouldn't know it. She made choices and decisions....not based selfishly on herself....but on what was best for her family....her children.

She taught all four of her children about God...and she lived her life in a way that showed the love of God through her towards others. She was the example that anyone would want to follow if they wanted to be kind and good and gentle....and who wanted to get to heaven at the end of her life. She knew she was dying...and she was ready to go. She had lived a long life...and knew that what lay ahead was going to be so much better than anything she could ever even imagine.

So today, I write this, with tears in my eyes, and sorrow in my heart. I miss her so much. Yet...on an intellectual level I know that she is better off right now. She's not suffering in any way....there is only peace and joy and love where she is at this very moment. But...I still feel the loss of knowing that she is gone....that I cannot see her, or hear her voice, or hug her again. She is gone. And I miss her so much.

I like to think of her today...in a wonderful place...and that as the angels came to carry her soul across the River Jordon into the arms of Abraham's bosom....that she saw her own mother standing there to welcome her into her eternal joy.

And one day...and no one knows how long their life will be here on this earth....I hope to take that same journey.

And I will look for her there.